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new poem


visual poetry
a paintbrush
a pen
a sword
to tell the world
where you're going
where you've been
the struggle to enlighten
that (one) part of the mind
that filters all you (say and see)
and threatens (you) to bind
perhaps (now) there's a daisy
perhaps there is a chair
perhaps the world's an
ancient ruin
perhaps you have been there
peace and silence
solitude of the mind
gratitude to self
and what you're
hiding (just) behind
ritual unburying and
carving of the skin
to mock the mocking mocker
who is
telling you of sin
a state of undress
telling the rest
(with gratitude)
that's where you've been (you're)
waiting on the balcony (you're)
looking at the stars
wondering if dots you see
are Jupiter
or Mars
clinging to the sidewalk
shadowing in fear
that madness
that unhurried sex
you ever have held dear
quietness and time now
knowcking on your door
caring not
what all you've thought
or if there's any more
time waits not for permission
and shame a feast will make
all of the parts
of all (your) soul
that people would not take
unless you madly rue it
unless you do decline
and cut that monster
in the face
and take back what is thine
i want to take from you
what you took from me
i am evil in word only
you are evil in deed

when you try to justify
the darkness that you spread
the violence you heap
upon the innocent

when you do these things you do
in just this way you do them
i want to rip your eyes out
i want to make you eat them
blood bath blood bath
do you want to scream?
i am just as obscene as you

tearing strips of darkness from the walls that surround me
wrapping in murky depths
i want to kill you all

your hypocrisy is a stain
your violence
is my violence

you are everything i hate
in me

everything they told me

A boy. A tired, tired boy. Small. Confusion. What is happening? There's supposed to be a way... answers. Money. Time. Work. People. Eyes. Staring. Anger? Do we die? Do we die inside every time you look at us? Do we scream inside like trapped children in the dark... holding onto knives? Knives for protection. Tired tired tired. The blank pale brown of the past. Fear. Made a tiny creature. A tiny brave flower. Living in the pain. Love hate. If only you could kill them all. If only you could kill the past. If only the brownness would go away. The Victim. The one who cringes. The one who cries. All night. The darkness is ever so black. The fear is ever so hot. They say fear is cold, but it's not. Fear of gods and monsters. Monsters and gods. Tiredness is infinite. Tiredness is strange. Safety. Present. Safe. Hungry and exposed. With an angel beaming and crying at your side. Infinite. Everything is calm. The ruffles and the brown are still there. Time. Threat. Tear. When will it ever be enough? Darkness. Dark dark dark. Fear. Any kind you can imagine. Never touch me. I will kill you. But I do not kill. Too tired to kill. Too frightened to kill. Cling to life. Deepest desire. Freedom. Take from me take from me I will never take from you. Fear. Take from me. Take me. I will never... take... from you. And why? For fear? Because I don't deserve anything? Retribution. Revenge. Tenderness. Tired tired tired.... and the sky keeps looking at me. We don't die. Only inside. Over and over and over again. Fear and shame and fear and shame. Always the same all the same. Angel angel I can't solve it. I can't solve anything. Can say over and over and over and over again that you don't give a fuck but you do. You do you do you always did. You wanted to protect. Protect protect. Die and kill. Kill yourself. Sacrifice. Fall down fall down. Who told you you deserve this? Tear tear fallen frozen tear in the dark. Dark dark bright hot cold death fear cold cold common cold. Why are the tendrils leaking into my escape? Why can I never be free? Because I know not what I fight. What do I fight? And I cry and I cry and I need someone to know me... I need a god to be a god with until I can believe in myself. Tired tired die. When can I believe in myself? Where do I become less valuable? When I'm not heard. When I don't hear. When I can't explain. When I die... when I cannot take it. When I panic. When I must say no. No. When I can say no. When I need to say no. Self-respect. Body... protection. Fear. The idea that one day I could terminate all life to be free of the eyes. Not logic. To hide... to fall... to cry. To keep your eyes off me to keep your mind off me to hide from the lies I believe. To hide from the lies I believe. To hide from the lies I believe. To hide from the fact that I am worthless. To hide from the fact that I am worthless. To hide. To hide. TO hide. TO HIDE. To tell you that I have not looked and I have not cared. Blood blood bleeding. Hiding from pain. Self-inflicted. Shriveled god on fire. Victim victim shame and pain. Shame. Pain. To teach. To teach to die. To kill. To rape the self. To take the fire. To take. To break. To break me down and break me in. Revenge. learn better learn better every time. Knives. Knives knives knives. Protect. Protect the self. Die. To need. To ask. To need. For shame. Leach into me. Fight the fight fight fight. Pain. The pain. Hide. Medicate. Tired. Rape. Pain. Take the strength. Bleed the soul. Flatten. Take everything out and iron it straight. It will not seek. It will not complain. Robot robot robot. Half trained poorly trained. Clever dumb robot. Seeking. They told me. Hide hide fight fight. You didn't do it. You didn't take away who I am, you only taught me to fear it. You never trained me not to have needs, you only taught me to hate myself for having them. You didn't kill the flower. You only broke it. And what now? WHAT NOW? The eyes are on me, of course. I have needs I cannot fulfill alone. Every day is a struggle to exist. I am an extreme cursed demon. Self-hatred is the root of all vanity. To fear... to crawl. To fear. To realize that I am unacceptable. To realize I am only as good as the sacrifices I am willing to make. I am only as worthy as the parts of me I will cut off and surrender. At that price, I do not accept. Body body terror body. Give. Take. Want. Need. Surrender. Crawl. Be small. Bite your finger and do not scream. Do not protect yourself. You have no self; you are property. There is no safety. Walls do not hold terror. Terror leaks through any crack. There is no escape. It will follow you. It. Will. Follow. You. Trust no one. Fall. Fall fall apart. Value. Comes and goes. Need. Need not. Be like us. Be quiet. Need not.

for a tower

there is always a worry
that things will not come out as they are meant to
that there will be a misunderstanding
know that if things come out
it is how they are meant to
because what is meant to be is what will be
and what will be
becomes what is
under water we suffer
invisible strings to tug us
feel them as you feel all life
the strings are you
telling you which way to go
don't worry
no one controls you
but you
you are the master of your own existence
whether you admit it
is up to you
truth is when you see
life through your own eyes
and no longer lie to yourself
lies have their place
we evolve in pace set
pace set
we become
we are who we are born to be
we are who we are
nothing is wrong
see the world
change the world
feel the world
it is all right
if it is happening
if you want it to happen
your wanting is happening
we drive ourselves
we drive existence
as it is
as it will be
as it will be is as it is
we drive
the fight
the struggle
is what is
all is beauty
death is beauty
you climb to the tower you foresee
the height you atain
will be what is
you will fly
as it was always meant to be
you will die
as was

i shall lie in place
like a cool, dead thing
to keep my heart from beating
out of time with my abilities

tranny slash

With His Hands

I let out a little whimper of pleasure as his hand slid up into my baggy t-shirt. I wasn't uncomfortable, really. Maybe I just felt like I should be. "Boy," he purred in my ear, stroking up my flat stomach. I knew it was ok. Whether it was or not, his soft little hand found my breast and squeezed lightly. I forgot to be worried and my hips started moving in time with his hand. The idea that my perky little breasts made me less a man didn't even seem to occur to him. He snuggled his face into my arm and started biting me gently, sliding his hand into the back of my pants at the same time. "Mmm.. hey you," he whispered, squeezing. I couldn't make words. All I could do was whine softly. Which he understood perfectly.

Art and Whales and Things

This is a story I wrote a while ago... It was just sitting on the computer waiting for an internet connexion : D


and one day you'll see...Collapse )

kiss my eyes...

dance dance feel it all around you

so last night i was abusing some salvia... and it was abusing me back... and after a bit i decided seven am was a fine time to go to bed, but my brain would let me. so i wrote some stuff down.


started with himCollapse )

make noiseCollapse )
i left 'messanger' like that because that's how i spelled it on the paper. i thought it was interesting. mess and anger.

rainbowCollapse )
i thought 'soft as him' bore commenting. for some reason my brain wouldn't put any other word. it seemed the only way. i put 'down' and then crossed it out because it felt wrong. because it wasn't 'soft as down' it was 'soft as him'. and him was me. apparently i'm even more narcissistic when i'm high XD